Forgiveness and Buddhism
William Briones, Rimban, Los Angeles Hompa Hongwanji Buddhist Temple and Supervising Minister, SFVHBT
If one abuses you, there is a temptation to answer back, or to be revenged. One should be on guard
Dhammapada
against this natural reaction. It is like spitting against the wind, it harms no one but oneself. …
Misfortune always dogs the steps of one who gives way to the desire for revenge.
Not too long ago Nobuko and I went to a fast food diner for breakfast. Upon our arrival we waited to be seated. But the hostess behind the counter was on her cell phone. She seemed to be having a very serious conversation, “I’m all … She’s all … I’m like … He’s like. …” After what seemed like a minute, I interrupted with a polite, “Excuse me.” The expression on her face read, “Excuse me, I’m talking to my friend, do you mind.” She hung up, then grabbed some menus and led us to a booth, tossed the menus on the table and walked back without a word. Needless to say, I was so irritated by her lack of respect and her unprofessional manner. I was so upset that this set the tone for our breakfast and all I did was complain to Nobuko on how disrespectful this young generation is and when I was young … blah blah blah.
The reading I began with is from the Dhammapada, Shakyamuni Buddha spoke of the suffering and pain caused by the desire for revenge. And while the remedy for revenge is forgiveness, the Buddha rarely spoke directly on forgiveness … unlike Christianity: forgiveness is the touchstone of Christianity.
I believe that in Buddhism, in the strictest sense, there is no need for Forgiveness. Spiritual awareness, by its very nature, includes the practice of forgiveness.
In Buddhism forgiveness is not about turning the other cheek or letting someone continue getting away with behavior that is mean or heartless. Real forgiveness is about letting go. Buddhism teaches us that by becoming aware we are able to forgive and get on with our life. This awareness allows us to let go of holding on to resentment and the hurt. It is a way we can keep the energy of life draining away from us.
How many of us have gotten hurt, emotional or physical, angered, or betrayed, by someone … friend or stranger? It is as simple as someone cutting you off on the freeway, or some restaurant hostess or a waiter or waitress or salesperson with an attitude, or something as complicated as a friend or loved one betraying you.
Many times we refuse to let go of our anger or resentment. We alone carry the burden of our anger and resentment. By not letting go, by being attached to our anger and resentment, we have to suffer the pain over and over again every time we choose to remember and relive the experience in our mind.
Letting go is not about accepting bad behavior or making excuses for others. It means that we let go of the obsession we have with wrongs committed against us. In letting go we neither pretend the past did not happen nor forget the past. We simply choose to live in the present.
By being hurt, angry, betrayed or feeling resentment we’re living in the past. These feelings are always about the past. But the way you feel is taking place in the present. Worse yet … do you think the hostess knew or cared that I was having a miserable conversation with Nobuko? What a waste of time and energy.
Letting go is a choice that must be freely made if the act is to mean anything. It is not meant to be an act of kindness to the person who is forgiven, but to the person who is doing the letting go … it’s for me … it’s an act of kindness to myself.
Letting go of the anger, the hurt, the betrayal is difficult. There are times we nurse wounds that are so deep that we feel that they will never heal. There are times we want to move on, but feel paralyzed … uncertain, not wanting to get hurt again. Letting go occurs when we want to let go. This why it takes so long.
When I got home that day I immediately wrote a letter to the restaurant’s headquarters and complained about the service. Weeks later I received a letter of an apology and they assured me that they would look into the matter. Victory was mine! Or was it? Is that spit on my face?
Namo Amida Butsu