Because I’m Not Grateful

It had been a worrisome time. My mother-in-law had recently slipped while trying to help our dying dog, who was her constant companion for many years. Mom fell backward and suffered a bad gash on the back of her head and hurt her back. She had just turned 89 and had been in pretty good condition until now, going about her own activities at our home in Oxnard. A string of nurses and therapists has been visiting, as has the extended family. Still, her physical recovery has been slow and painful, and doubtless she misses the lovable and loving black Labrador, Sumi.When the accident occurred, my husband and I had originally planned to be away for a few days of rest and relaxation after what had, by August, already turned out to be a more event-filled year than usual. It was good timing that we could spend the week instead seeing to Mom’s every need, without the demands of as many of our normal temple responsibilities. Still, the day came when I needed to focus on the sangha’s needs and drive into Los Angeles.

Stopped at the last traffic signal before merging on to the PCH, I couldn’t help but notice the small white van just ahead in the next lane, even though I was tired and on automatic pilot. The large green letters printed on the back of the vehicle shouted the following question: WHAT ARE YOU GRATEFUL FOR?

The words immediately woke me out of my stupor because we’re always talking about gratitude in our Jodo Shin Buddhism. I’m glad I had my smartphone at hand and that someone had shown me how to find the camera icon quickly so I could take this picture without causing a traffic delay or an accident.

I have to admit that my immediate thought was, “I’m grateful that I saw this van and that I got a photo, because now I won’t draw a blank next time I have to write the dharma message for the newsletter.” I was feeling pretty relaxed about this until I actually had to sit down and write it right now. I’m grateful to Haru for being patient with me, and doing her magic with the newsletter layout.

I could use the space to remind us of all the things we could be grateful for, but if you think about it, everyone has endless lists. This isn’t going to be a message about the many ways in which we should appreciate our lives. You hear me talk about this often, by way of explaining that one of the reasons we say Nembutsu (Namo Amida Butsu) is as an expression of gratitude for all that we receive; for all that we are, thanks to the immeasurable wisdom and compassion of all life. Before the van pulled ahead of me, I noticed some affirmations covering its side: “We Are One; I Am Fulfilled; I Am Courageous; I am Cool; I am Humble; I am Inspired; I Am Celebrating; I Am Love; I am Refreshed.”

Wow, I thought, they could almost be Shin Buddhists*. If I am fulfilled, courageous, or cool, it’s because we are One, and I am empowered by more than myself alone to be so. Realizing this, and considering I am truly but a foolish being with plenty of karmic imperfections, I am humbled, inspired, and enabled to celebrate life just as I am. I receive unlimited, unconditional compassion not only from people but from the entirety of all life, and if I don’t get in the way, this deep wish from and for life can radiate out. How refreshing. How liberating. Just for the moment that I take “me” out of the equation.

I drove for almost an hour behind that van. The question staring me in the face, even as I chased after it, was beginning to nag at me. I’d avert my eyes to the waves crashing on the beaches, to the awesome palms, to the red sun melting into the ocean, even, for a moment, to the dolphins I spotted. I’m grateful for things like this; I’m grateful for my husband who was still back there taking good care of his mother; I’m grateful for his mother for being a big part of his life and therefore a big part of my life. But does this mean that I’m always grateful? No! There is so much that I take for granted, so much that I’m not even aware of that I would surely be grateful for if I knew about it. And so many other times when I should be grateful but probably am not. This is the point: we can never be grateful enough, we can never pay back the debt of gratitude to life. Yet we receive immeasurable compassion just as we are, incapable of any good practice that would lead us to enlightenment. That’s just how it works. And for that, despite myself, I feel the gratitude arising and Namo Amida Butsu whispers from my heart.

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